I received a timely e-newsletter tonight. It was from Hillsong Music letting me know about new releases, pre-orders, and other deals. While I’m always interested in the outputs of a place I call “my first home,” I was drawn more-so tonight to the free teaching download from Robert Fergusson. While at leadership college in Sydney, I undoubtedly loved Robert’s style, character, and demeanor the most. Today I still consider him my favorite Bible teacher (RT Kendall is definitely up there too). Needless to say, I ordered the download and spent the next 40 minutes experiencing (yet again) the grace of God.
I might call the last 9 months of my existence an unfortunate pregnancy. From September till now, I’ve allowed the non-fruits of the Spirit to take root within my heart and soul. I willingly became a host to the sin of not loving God with all my heart, soul, mind, strength. In the roar of life, school, and work I loved my Self and my Wants and my Life more than loving anyone else. I was becoming the Christian that attends church on Sundays and Wednesdays, helps out volunteering, hangs out with fellow church-goers, but doesn’t spend a drop of time in prayer and in the Word throughout the week. It hasn’t gone unnoticed in my eyes. I am fully aware, fully conscious, fully guilty. But a chasm separates the cliffs of knowledge from those of repentance. Only those who choose to actually walk the rough wooden bridge, each plank dripping with the blood of Jesus, experience a changed heart. For 9 months I’ve toed the edge of the cliff of analytical reason, stubbornly refusing to take a step of faith. No wonder I’m searching desperately for my identity. In my quest to find Me, I’ve wandered away from God, the One all individual fulfillment lies in.
I longed – at the end of Robert’s message – with a heart craving its maker. I cried with repentant tears when Robert gave an altar call. There were no people to witness my hands up in the air or my knees on the floor. It was just me and my gracious Father.
For the first time in a long time my heart feels tender again, willing to change, desperate to spend time with Him. I’ve wanted to be used by God, but I must first be made usable, pliable, humble, obedient. I want to be back in His presence, serving Him, loving on Him, rejoicing with Him, worshipping Him, and living a life of faith-filled adventure with Him. I just want to be His again as I’ve found I’m a lousy keeper of myself.
Welcome home.
thanks, shelley. keeping Him my first love is my daily battle too even with reading the Word and daily prayer. It helps me to remember He made me His first love out of His grace and not my doing. The doing is, however, a means of experiencing His love regularly but can’t be mistaken for His very real presence in my heart by His Spirit. Without that it’s just religion. I pray we acknowledge His presence in us, keeping Him first all the time, and encourage each other, like you have me.
P.S. I’ve loved having you at our house each week. You are a precious young woman I’ve enjoyed getting to know better and a very good friend to my Kate.
wonderfully honest. i think we all have those desert times but don’t want to admit the gut-wrenching truth that our first love isn’t always our first love.
amazing post! You are an amazing person. I am very happy for you!
I’m jealous…I need to get to that place.
YES!! YES!! YES!! This is it. This is what it is all about. Broken, on our knees, seeing ourselves for who we really are and running back to the cross. I am excited for the LIFE that has been revived in your heart. Seems we are all getting a taste of that these days…
I see a soft sweetness that has re-entered your heart. Shell your stunning and i knew that season of your life couldn’t last forever, you are much greater than what you saw at that moment of time and Jesus knew it, He knew you were great all along even when you wanted to give up.