This Week’s Prose and Kahns

blog key:

+ = pros

- = cons 

word of the day = whilst

 

+ had a friendly chat with john mccain’s naval academy roommate. this is the academy where you train for the navy, easily mistaken for the others that train you in bellybuttons or oranges. i wonder if john mccain has an innie or an outtie?

 

- got smacked in the forehead by a bee as I was riding my bike on campus at mach speeds. he then went for my hair and, afraid of getting stung should I try and wrestle him out, I continued to ride my bike whilst shaking my head back and forth frantically. quite a sight and quite dangerous.

 

- same bike. same ride. almost slaughtered a squirrel when he jumped out in front of my bike. he lost his acorns at the site of me and thankfully darted back to the tree. i mean c’mon, Squirrel, don’t even try to compete wit me. i’m a cheetah on wheels.

 

+ made one heckuva witty comment about the fall of the ottoman empire. it involved a mutilated footstool.  just ask kate.

 

- watched my first italian silent movie clip. it was your typical 1920s theme, ya know…guy captures and kidnaps woman, woman fights, woman pleads, woman begs, woman grovels whilst holding onto man’s calf, man conquers and woman is wooed. romantic.

 

+ met a real astronaut that has been to space, the final frontier. she tried to feed me a freeze-dried neapolitan ice cream cone but i just gawked and gagged at the offer. rude on my part?

 

- drew smiley faces all over a pumpkin pie. my dad retaliated and drew a frowny face. killjoy.

 

+ watched, rewatched, and re-rewatched the Lawrence Welk Show sister act skit on nbc.com/snl. Oh man, the tiny hands. The honey-cat entree. The blimpy forehead. The jutty tooth. “With my by myself.” Can’t get over it. Cannot get over it and cannot stop watching it. I know, I’m horrible. Kristen Wiig, you’re my hero.

 

what are your prose and kahns for the week?

Ethiopia Updates

In conjunction with the post below…check out the blog at http://greenbracelet.wordpress.com/ for updates regarding our Ethiopia missions trip. See you all on the flipside of my voyage!

today’s events

in no particular order…

• got my polio and hepatitis b shots for the missions trip to ethiopia (less than 2 weeks away)
• ate leftover dutch baby pancakes from the pancake house for breakfast
• ate leftover pizza from blackjacks for lunch
• forgot to eat dinner
• took some bc powder for a honkin’ headache. man does that stuff work wonders. 
• mouthed-off to a ref at an indoor soccer game
• got a 2 minute penalty at an indoor soccer game
• played rock band drums at catalyst for an hour after work
• played the literal drums at catalyst for two hours following the rock band hour
• played my guitar for an hour following those three hours. worked on new songs.
• received a total of $200 in sponsorship for ethiopia. yay!!!!!
• found out my car is a bit broken and needs fixin’
• finally finished a big project at work
• felt the presence of God in my car and thanked Him for a rekindled fire
• blogged

You? Eventful day yesterday?

weekend movie reviews

IN THE THEATER: saw WALL·E tonight with my ma.

• overall score: good (3.5 stars)
• very cute and clever animation but…
• not in disney/pixar’s best-made movies list (toy story and finding nemo are chart-toppers)
• great subliminal and overt messages sent to kids and adults re: planet care-taking, health care-taking, and breaking the spell of marketing’s hypnotic trance
• ma and i agreed the movie was slow during the middle. come on already!
• i say: go see kung fu panda again in the theater and wait for WALL·E on dvd

__________________________________

ON DVD: watched The Pianist for the first time.

• overall score: great (4.5 stars)
• best scene: Brody playing the air piano, hearing the music in his head, as he had to stay silent while in hiding from the Nazis
• incredible account of the pain and suffering Polish Jews went through during the Holocaust
• wanted to see more actual scenes of his character playing the piano
• movie slowed during the middle but the story of survival drew me back in
• i say: rent it, borrow it, just watch it! beautiful score, incredible acting, awesome ‘based on real life’ story of the Polish Jew pianist, Svpilman

Watch any good movies over the weekend? Write a quick review for us…

line of sight

just a little personal activity on perspectives in life’s snapshot moments

i am currently surrounded by:

• 1 political world map, 1 satellite world map, & 2 globes. map freak.
• a quote by a.w. tozer (pulled from 1 of pastor sarah’s realchurch msgs when i first moved back 3.792 years ago): what would a violin solo sound like if the strings on the instrument were hanging loose, not stretched tight, not “disciplined”? 
• pictures & souvenirs from countries i’ve visited. i need more pictures.
• a largely outdated to-do list on bright orange paper
• a finding nemo mouse pad with an expensive mouse on it i rarely use. wasteful.
• four partially drunk arrowhead water bottles. again, wasteful.
• a room that needs to be tidied
• library stuff: books (persuasion, italian verbs, italian grammar), dvds (cinema paradiso, the life of david gale, the simpsons movie), and an audio book (memo to the president elect)
• goggles & a wet beach towel from a midnight swim. i boldly hopped the fence. 
• a black oscillating fan on low. whirrrrrr.
• a clock that reads 2:36 am. it tells no lies.

what defines your environment right now, explaining a piece of you?

 

Still There

I wrestled with you again last night. One time in my life I dreamed at you with open eyes. Now you crawl into my nightmares and resume the lead the role. They say we struggle not against flesh and blood, but you are flesh and blood. And it is so much more.

Just hours ago I desperately sought freedom from your vicious hold. Mute chase scenes, violent struggles, and presumable fears tie me up every time you jam your foot into the door of my subconscious. And sadly last night you succeeded. Those people fell victim to your deceitful conniving ways and I was left voiceless and unbelieved. 

You died years ago but your voice still echoes and your face still reflects predatory devastation. Your clones stalk me challenging my spirit. What do you still represent in me? My God, why is he still allowed near me? I have named him: Coarse Reality And Imposing Guilt. No, you will not destroy me.

You put up a wickedly admirable fight last night. So today I will fight back and reclaim the lands you stole.  

i took my own advice

so after writing “…too afraid” the other day, i’ve decided to branch out in my actions. anytime i suggest to myself not to do something because i’ll look stupid, sound stupid, or just be stupid i’m going to rethink the situation. even if it would only be a little loss i’ll reconsider. 

i’m sitting in my car passing time (and not kidney stones) as i wait for my next class to start. i found a little roadside spot by a park. thank heavens i’m in the shade. i can only handle one bodily freakout at the time and heatstroke is not the one on the list right now. nor is dehydration. the one on the list is stomach knots after eating wendy’s fries and a frosty. oof.

i noticed this is the ‘rough’ part of the du campus: a pair of charcoal and ash nike tennis shoes hang from the telephone line above; the playground is only 2 short stories tall and not one mother watching her kid is wearing diamond studs; a hole-in-the-wall chinese restaurant looms nearby, a sure sign of the ghetto. my eyes dart back and forth assuring my safety from the gangs of du.

back to my point. i took my advice about not missing out on opportunities (as a matter of fact, one of these days i am going to run into a face painting booth and get my face painted camouflage). and back to the cause of the stomach ache. wendy’s. i sat here in the car and stuffed every fry into my mouth and chased them with the creamy goodness of a frosty. by the way, wendy’s now have vanilla frosties. bull crap. frosties are chocolate and that’s all i have to say about that. rename your vanilla frosty because it isn’t one. call it coldy or chilly or snowy but NOT frosty. seriously, that’s the worst marketing blunder of all time.

and back to the point. for years now i’ve had one constant irritation with wendy’s. for people with small mouths and pencil lips like me, their spoons are just too frickin’ big! they’re extra deep and extra long. sure it’s a bonus for us fast food americans that want to heap as much product into our mouths at once before our gag reflexes sound the digestive alarm. but for those of us with wee mouths, it’s a nuisance. my main problem with the spoon is that i’m used to other utensils that allow me to drag my lips across it as i remove it from my mouth, guaranteeing no speck of food remains. clean and shiny. wendy’s spoons, you don’t allow me to do that. if i attempt to drag my lips across your deep spoon belly, i get frosty on the corners of my mouth. and who can spare one drop of wasted frosty? nay. not i. 

while i continued to enjoy my frosty and simultaneously loathe the spoon, i caught a glimpse of redemption. wendy’s customer satisfaction hotline was written on the bag. 1-888-624-8140. “talk to us,” it read. years of being peeved at their spoon and i wanted to let them know exactly what i thought. i hesitated. i’d sound stupid for merely calling to let them know about the depth of their spoon and its incompatibility with little mouthed people. i almost passed the opportunity by. 

needless to say i did it. i left a 20 second recording on their comments and suggestions hot line. i told them bluntly: their spoon was too deep and too big (i eased the severity of the comment by letting them know i loved wendy’s – although my stomach cramp tells me i flat out lied).

i like this new sense of adventure however simplistic it may be. i suggest you try some variation of it, depending on who you are and what your personal and self-imposed limitations are. if you agree with me about the vanilla frosty thing maybe we could join fast food forces and make a change in this world by suggesting they change the name. it’s vital that we do so. 

Who’s Responsible for This Madness?

Oh what a fun little gadget the stat bar is on wordpress blogs! But honestly, I’m slightly yet entirely baffled by the “search engine terms” section. Stop it…I don’t need help understanding how it works. I need help understanding who in the world puts things like “uncle josh trout” in the search engine then proceeds to read my blog? Some of the oddest terms this little tool has documented are:

• “jackie joyner kersey” heart
• childhood of heimlich

and (my favorite)…

• penut butter butt.

Yes, penut butter butt. Someone literally typed that in a search engine, found my blog, and read it. While I do say thanks for reading, I also ask, “Who in the world are you????” Please reveal yourself to me. I don’t want to make fun of you (I guess), I just want to meet your bizarre self. And I mean “bizarre” in the good way. If I already know who you are, bygolly don’t reveal your crazy side to me. I like you plain and simple, ordinary and robotic. Ignorance is bliss.

So readers…I’d like to know what crazy search engine terms people used to find your blogs…let ‘er rip!

 

 

Fat Sticks

I recently talked with a man who was one of the engineers behind the McDonald’s potato cutting machine, a machine responsible for perfectly slicing those delicious, piping hot fat sticks we hypnotically call French Fries. Wipe the spit off of your bottom lips, United States of Americans. I learned from him that a potato must be the right size and shape in order to make the Happy Meal team. In other words Mr. Stubby Spud aint got a chance. Such discrimination on the part of Ronald McDonald and Company baffles me. Tilt head to the side, cock one eye, lift one eyebrow, put index finger on temple, scratch forehead, and say “Whaaat?” I guess it’s just ironic, that’s all. Tall, slender french fries produce short, fat people. What kind of sick joke is this? Either those McD corporate bigwigs are brilliant or just plain old freaking obscene. You decide… 

ego trips around the block

Before I get into this, I’d like to bless you with a poem, free of charge.

Lunchtime necessities

Ice cold Sprite

All-beef hotdog

“Hark!” the herald angels sing,

“Shelley J is ready to blog!”

 

YOU’RE WELCOME. Now let’s get started…

 

Who could be headier than the parking ticket personnel? Fancypants uniforms, a black and white Jeep with the steering wheel on the other side, a special wand that marks car tires with metallic paint. Just the fact that it is metallic gives them all the more reason to have a stronger sense of pride in what they do. They’re oozing with the demand for authority. I get nauseous just thinking about the damage they cause me. The heartbreak. The thievery. Those little poo-pants love to drive around in their special car, mark the tires, and return exactly one hour later in search of our autos that weren’t moved out of the “1 hour parking only” zones. Poo-pants. And what sympathy do they have on us? Nil. Zilch. Nada. Negatory. Zero. Nope. Nuh-uh. No way Jose. They’re determined to squeeze $25 out of you if it is the last thing their security personnel butts do. Now that I think of it, they’re like government-paid thieves. Durn tax and fine collectors. I shake my fist at you. Twice. Once for the time I was downtown and double parked my car and once for the time I overstayed my welcome at the “1 hour” sidestreet near DU. I refuse to let you get away with doing your job right. I refuse!!! 

Now excuse me while I go pay my parking ticket on-line…