…too afraid

today i realized the shoebox of regretful moments i have in life are centered about one unfortunate characteristic. People-Pleasing. what would people think of me? these missed opportunities unavoidably cloaked me in the uneasy and awkward sensation that intrudes with Embarrassment. and of course they were always unwelcome and always accompanied by Fear. they may seem simple but they are lightly laced with grief as i sample them again today. 

elementary school. annual fall festival outdoor carnival. cake walks, dunking booth, a jail, duck pond, and face painting. i’d spent my very last ticket on the magnetic fishing game retrieving a plastic toy that’d be stored in my closet for next summer’s garage sale. i can make a nickel or two off of that. that october day, in the front of my mind, i knew the family would be leaving promptly as the Texas sun went to sleep. don’t be late. before i successfully located them, a cool and highly influential Tracy Ellis bounded up to me with her face freshly painted. i was wowed. wowed yet ticketless. generously she offered me a few quarters to get my face entirely done camouflage-style. i wanted it so bad. but more so i wanted to keep my parents happy. my (foolish) reasoning led me to believe i’d be grounded for months after a spanking with that splintered wooden paddle. i sulked, refused her offer, and found my mom, filling her in on the recent events and the good-girl response I had returned to Tracy. “why didn’t you do it?!” my mother asked, confused at my decline. well, because i was too afraid.

middle school. 8th grade volleyball season comes to a close. it was my first year ever playing the sport and as it turned out, i was fairly decent. Shannon and Liz excitedly encouraged my continued career: high school team participation. i mentally scanned the future and surveyed the layout. spandex shorts and large crowds of people in those wooden bleachers? and each person had TWO ogling eyes? on me? not a chance in the world. vulnerability? no way. and so i let a newfound enjoyable delight drain in a matter of a moment’s decision. i would never play the sport competitively again. i was simply too afraid.

high school. a developing passion to sing. i stood in the large church and belted out a tune along with the crowd at rock the nations. little did i know Rachel was listening in. she leaned in and said, “you’ve got a nice voice. you should try out for the school choir.” i contemplated the offer, blushing at the compliment. but i contemplated for four years and never stepped foot in the choir room. tryouts? singing in front of someone? out loud? and so i dismissed the idea over and over until i graduated. i sang on stage in public for the first time august 2005. i was 23. 23 silent years and then i let my voice out of its box. but never did i sing in high school because i was too afraid.

college. freshman walk-on to a division one basketball team. scrawny and short. high school highlight videos lost amid the surrounding standout talent. from the first day i stepped foot on the lacquered university floor until the last day of the season i was purely intimidated by my head coach. all talent and ability walked out of the gym at the same time People-Pleasing walked into my head. i had let the paranoia of failure in front of my coach become reality. as it played out in my head so it played out in my game, my shot, my instinct. my former talents and abilities were locked within a cage i fashioned with my own hands. days after the season ended so did my self-imposed restriction. i let loose and played as if no one watched. i played for myself and not my coach. Tasha and Ty stared in disbelief at a teammate seemingly unrecognizable. one piped up, “where have you been all along? why didn’t you play like that during the season?” you guessed it. an entire year choked and buried. i was too afraid.

a lesson learned: don’t miss out. no matter how simple the situation may be, no matter how little the loss may seem at the time, don’t allow your temporary, short term fears become lifelong regrets.

The Life of Jillian

My niece left to go back home to Texas today after being in town for a week. She’s 3–almost four–and she’s definitely a character I could sit and observe for hours on end. Our times together were not just a heaping pile of fun for both parties, but a time where she unknowingly taught me many lessons about life. Here’s to Jillian!

Jilli-Bean, PB&Shelley, and the Ma

1. Any time, anywhere, any place holds the perfect opportunity to sing a song at the top of your voice.

2. It’s much more fun to make up the names of countries on a globe than to try and sound them out.

3. When asked if you want to do something, be blunt and say yes or no. No explanations needed.

4. Bath Time is so much more than just a cleaning ritual. It’s the imagination’s playland.

5. The lifelong drive to be a ‘winner’ and not a ‘loser’ shockingly thrives at the age of three.

6. Gummi Bears taste best at 10:30 at night.

7. If someone promises to give you a piece of candy four hours later, remind them every hour on the hour until the promise is fulfilled. Be persistent.

8. “Girls don’t play basketball. They only cheer.” Said by Jillian when watching the women’s NCAA basketball championship with me on Tuesday.

9. Strive to look hotter than your mom. And let her know that daily you are making a strong effort.

10. Let everyone you meet know when your birthday is and that a hula girl party is the only way to go for a 4-year old.

and finally…

11. The best way to cool off is to run around in your britches. Who needs jeans anyway?

Recommended Daily Value

I’ve known this woman for over 25 years now and only recently come to appreciate her self-proclaimed expertise on mineral and vitamin intake. Her knowledge has transformed the way she views life: things are no longer referred to the names used by most English-speaking people. You know…common words in our dictionary. No, she refers to them by their nutrition value. A hamburger is instead a Protein. The warm sun is now a Vitamin-E emitter. The toy your child is playing with is a Lead or Aluminum. And so the enjoyment I once had in eating delicious foods, being outdoors, or just living life is gone and in its place a strange newfound relationship between me and the ever-encroaching world.

Dear mom,

I peeled a bright yellow Potassium this morning for breakfast and a navel Vitamin C to help fight my cold. (do you remember my coach feeding me Potassiums when my legs were cramping in games?) With no time for a hardboiled Protein (lightly Sodiumed), I had to grab and go. However, I did have a Whole Wheat Flax Protein sandwich for lunch today with a glass of cold Vitamin D. D for Delicious. I wish you could’ve accompanied me in my walk at the park at lunchtime. The Vitamin E was uninhibited by clouds…gorgeous day! You would’ve loved it. It helped to exercise before as I had a huge plate of Tuscany Carbohydrate at Olive Garden. Don’t worry…I ate a plateful of fresh Roughage beforehand. It is late–11pm–and I’m heading to bed for a good night’s Replenish Refresh Revive. Talk to you tomorrow.

xoxo,

Your Favorite Child